ottiliaslife

Har en Short story jag måste skriva.. har skrivit början, och tänkte att jag skulle posta det jag skrivit hittills.

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I met Virginia when spring was slowly transitioning into summer and summer leave actually started to feel like a distant end of the terror school was to me. I can remember it well, as I can remember everything about her. I knew who she was long before I actually talked to her. I think everyone knew who she was. It was impossible to miss her; she was one of those persons that just took up space. Indeed her six feet helped attract attention, but her mere presence could make the great hall feel too tiny. Her heals were smattering against the floor. Even the girls turned around when she walked by; staring at either her black mane of hair, her swaying hips, butt or legs wrapped in tight black jeans, depending on which they were most jealous of. When the boys forgot to lower their voices, talking about whether a pair of boobs was real or fake, there was no question of to whom that pair belonged to. She was older than everyone else. She took an extra year because she had failed too many classes. To us she was somewhere between our world and the adults. Having her own apartment and working at a bar. Rumors said she ran away from home because her father was an alcoholic. Some said she had been working as a stripper and thus were abandoned by her parents. Some said she had an abortion. Some said she did drugs; the heavy kind. The rumors said a lot of things. None of which were very nice.
 I was scared when she was around. My only comfort was that I probably was so tiny she would never notice me. Back then I was always scared in school. With my dull hair that was something between brown and grey, my tiny nose I looked like a brown mouse trying to avoid feet larger than mine. Oh, sorry, back to the subject; Virginia. I was running to catch the bus one day after school. Bam! I fell to the ground, the contents of my bag were spread all over the street and I felt a stinging pain over my right eye and I saw the bus leave. But all that was secondary; over me stood Virginia.

“Hey, watch your step!” She said.
 “Oh I’m so sorry.” I didn’t know what to say. But then, I never knew what to say.
 “It’s ok, hey, let me help you up.” She grabbed my hand and literally pulled me up on my feet. "Hum, let me take a look at that, you will look like a moron with that eye. Come on." She started walking away while I stared at her in shock.
“Hey, Mouse! Are you going to get you stuff and come or what?” I did not dare to do anything else but do as she said and hurry after her. Unaware that I just got baptized into the church of Virginia. “Jump in the car, where do you live? Well, you missed your bus didn’t you? How were you thinking you would get home?” She read my mind and gave me no chance to answer, a habit of hers, I would learn later. One of the habits I came to love; happy not having to open my mouth too often.

 After that day she always drove me home after school; showering me in long tirades of anything and everything that was running through her mind. I do not know why she chose me as her confidant. No one ever knew why Virginia did what she did. I would sit, listening in awe to her preaching. Her world was different from mine, and it was my new religion; upgrading from the church of loneliness. After a few weeks she started to open up and I actually started to know who she was. We were sitting at a café, I was eating a donut, she had just a black coffee and a cigarette.

 “Everything is about sex you know. It is everywhere. In everyone’s mind. Even in that old hag, the math teacher, what’s her name? Anyway, even though she is such an old hag she is thinking about sex. You are thinking about sex, even though you haven’t as much as kissed someone.”
 “Yeah? Do I?” Sex to me was something I rarely knew what it was, how could I think about it? But Virginia kept on with her tirade as usual
 “Look at those guys over there; see how they can’t keep from looking this way? It is because guys think about sex every fifth second. Can you imagine that? That is like twelve minutes every hour, so basically they spend almost five hours a day thinking about sex. And that is why they are so easily manipulated. All you need is some cleavage and a nice butt and you can do anything. I mean, why does everybody think it is so bad to use your body to get somewhere? It is just old ugly women and men who are afraid to be used who think that way. But they‘ve done a dam good job making it taboo for everyone. I mean, if those hags did some workout and learnt how to use make up they wouldn’t be complaining as much. Do you know what I mean?
By the way, you’ve messed up your mascara Mouse, let me fix it.” She licked the tip of her finger and gently stroked me under my eye. I always messed up the mascara she’d taught me to use because I always forgot it was there when I occasionally rubbed my eyes. But it matched my new hair, died pitch black like hers. I was slowly transforming. Still a mouse, trying to avoid being stepped on. But now I had a master and my colors where no longer brown and grey. They were black and I liked to think of myself as a mouse with an edge.

“There you go, and oh, do you know who the worst hypocrites are? Men. They love to say that they don’t judge women by their looks, and that they wouldn’t let themselves get hypnotized by some nice legs. But really, this is something they say just because they know it sounds good. When you are around people they are all about getting to know you, you know. They ask a lot of questions as if they really care about you, the person you. But as soon as you get alone with them they just want to get in your pants. And as gentle they can be when you are around people. They can get pretty rough when it comes to getting what they want. Remember that Mouse, don’t you ever get alone with a guy until you are sure about it. Cause they can be deceiving. I know you think that will never happen, but you are young mouse, and the boys have started to notice you, even though you are to blue-eyed to see that. You must remember; never trust them!”
 “No, I won’t.”
 “Will you promise me that, Mouse? You have to promise me!”
“Ok, ok. Hey calm down, Virginia. I won’t, I promise!” I was shocked. I had never seen her so worked up over anything before. And about boys of all things; to her, they were just toys. She played with them like a cat plays with its prey. She laughed and tousled my hair.
 “My cute little Mouse, what a temperament you’ve got!” She glanced through the window at a black mustang driving by, turning into the parking lot. She stopped laughing. “This coffee tastes like shit! Come on Mouse, let’s go.”

Thinking of what Virginia had talked about I peeked at the guys that had been staring at Virginia. They were boys, my age. One of them smiled at me as I walked by and I felt a warm trickle from my stomach and plant itself in my chest. It was a nervous but pleasant feeling. When I reached the door, someone tapped me on my shoulder.

“Hi, I am Dan. Here is my number, call if you want to hang out sometime.” I stared at him, trying to think of something to say. You know how you sometimes try lines in your head but no one sounds good enough to say out loud? You know the panic and how your thoughts rush faster and faster until you cannot even formulate a line? I skipped the first state and jumped to the real deal at once. I seriously did not know what people say in those situations, or how I was supposed to act. Happy? Indifferent and cool? It was impossible to formulate a clear thought. He pressed the slip of paper in my hand. Apparently I was too chocked to take it from his hand myself. I quickly decided to go for Virginia’s style, cool and indifferent.
 “Cool.” I said, and then I left. I wasn’t very successful in acting cool since my voice staggered and with my shaky legs I stumbled out through the door and almost fell as I tried to catch up with Virginia. The tiny slip of paper burned, as did my cheeks burned. A mouse with an edge, I wish; I thought.



The following week I was more jumpy than usual. As soon I saw a brown tuft similar to Dan’s at the end of a corridor in school, or across a street, my hands started shaking and droplets of sweat appeared on my forehead. I kept the paper slip in my pocket all the time, but I did not think about calling the number I filled in every day to keep the graphite from fading of my constant fingering. The mere thought about thinking about calling him terrified me. Life did not get easier by the fact that Virginia was nowhere to be found. It was no surprise that she skipped school for longer periods, even the teachers had stopped trying to make her go to class. But this was the first time she was gone for so long since she had made me her tail. It was end of the semester and even Virginia would have to go to class if she wanted to finally graduate. Having adjusted to be around someone, loneliness felt awkward. The absence of Virginia brought something else as well. I realized that I wasn’t invisible anymore. The smattering of my new heals sounded loud when they weren’t accompanied by Virginias. And not having her towering over me made me realize that those high heels actually made me the same height as everyone else. What was revolutionary was the fact that I was noticed. Eyes glanced my way. Once in a while an elbow hit someone’s side, followed by a nod in my direction. My cheeks burned. Sometimes because I felt so stupid, feeling the void created by Virginias absence. Sometimes because I was reminded of how Dan glanced at me at the coffee shop. Then I blushed even more. Dan, I was dying to tell Virginia about the episode at the coffee shop. But just when I thought I’d never see Virginia again, an arm was placed around my shoulders.
“Hey Mouse, What’s up?”
“Virginia!” I thought I would relax when she finally showed up. Somehow I tensed even more when I smiled up at her face. “Babe! That’s a nice make up! And you didn’t even mess up the mascara.” There was an appreciative tone in her voice, something with it reminded me of how dad used to say “Good doggy!” when Spencer, our dog, learnt a new trick. She laughed and tousled my hair. We were in her apartment. She was lying on her bed, flipping through a magazine. I was pacing back and forth, biting my nails.
 “What is it? And don’t tell me you just have too much extra energy. That line was old even first time you used it. It was old even before it was invented by someone trying to cover something up. I know you, Mouse. Speak up!” Sometimes I really thought Virginia could read my mind but she was too nice to admit it. Was I that obvious?
 “Well. Uhm. Uhm, you know that guy and his friend looking our way at the café the other week? Well one of them, he uhm.”
 “What guys?” Virginia cut me off.
 “Well they were these guys. You said they looked our way because guys think about sex every fifth second. Anyway, Dan, he gave me his number. He said I should call him”
 “Well did you?” She looked at me, almost like my mom did when she suspected I was getting behind in school.
“No, I don’t know what to do”
“Don’t. I said guys were thinking about sex all the time for a reason. They do. He just want to get in your pants Mousey, it is as simple as that.”
“So I can’t go out with him? But you go out with guys all the time!” I couldn’t believe the words that were popping out of my mouth.
 “I can play the game. I twist them around my index finger.” Then she looked at me as if she too realized what I just said. “You really want to go out with this guy! Mousey, that is so cute! Do you still have his number?” I picked up the worn piece of paper and she snapped it from my fingers. She rolled over to the other side of her bed and picked up her phone from the nightstand. My eyes were hypnotized, following her thumb dialing the number I knew by heart. She smiled at me as I stared at her. After what felt like an hour she handed me the phone. I stared at it as if I never had seen such thing before. When I heard a voice saying: “Hello? Who is this?” I finally woke from my Trans and pressed the phone against my ear.

“Hi?”

 I don’t remember anything from the conversation. Somehow he asked me to be his date for prom that was next week. Virginia started preaching what to do and what not to do in order to twist him around my fingers. I panicked because I knew mom wouldn’t approve of me going out with a boy older than me. How could I get a dress without her noticing it? Virginia saved me. I could choose anyone of her dresses. I couldn’t decide so she picked a gorgeous black one for me. A few stitches and it would suit me perfectly. On the big night I told mom I was sleeping at Virginia’s. As I was dressed and she slowly transformed my face with her makeup the big question popped up.
“So, do you know what to do when he kisses you?”
“What!?” I jumped in my seat and got a black line across my face from the eyeliner she was applying around my eyes. “Hey, Mousey, take it easy. Sit still so I can repair the damage and change this. So this is the deal, when he kisses you, you kiss back if you want to. Use some tongue; just don’t shove it down his throat. But if he is a jerk, you ask him what the heck he is trying to do. Like you had no clue whatsoever that he wanted to kiss you. Ok?”
“But, if I want to kiss him? How do I know I’m not shoving it down his throat?”
 “Done! Look in the mirror Mouse, you are beautiful!” I stared at a strangers face in the mirror as Virginia plucked away her brushes, pencils and colors she used to transform me. She went over to the bed and asked me to come over and sit down with her. She looked at me in a way I’d never seen before. Slowly she stroked my hair and took my hands. “Close your eyes Mouse” I obeyed. For a second I felt her breath against my lips, and then her lips were touching mine. She pressed lightly with her tongue and I opened my lips. Our tongues met and she tasted sweet with a twist of coffee and cigarettes. After an eternity she pulled away. “I think your date is here” As she said those words I heard a car honking outside. For how long had it been doing that?



 Dan dropped me of a half block from Virginia’s apartment and I had to restrain myself to keep from running to her door. “A date isn’t over until he can’t see you anymore” Virginias words rang in my ears. “And never underestimate the power of walking sexy.” Her voice continued. It repeated itself over and over in my head. There was a black mustang parked on the walkway outside her building. I took a quick peek over my shoulder to check if Dan had left. When I couldn’t see his car I did my best tiptoeing on the grass trying not to dig my stilettos into the dirt. In front of the door I stopped to rip away the tuffs of dirt and grass that stuck to my heals despite my efforts. I didn’t hear the door open, or maybe it went so fast I just had no time to react. I slammed to the ground as a big man ran into me. I know I am tiny as a mouse. But he didn’t turn to say he was sorry. He didn’t even stop. He slammed the door of the mustang and drove away. I could as well have been a fly on his windshield. I got on my feet and brushed of the worst dirt. Safe inside where no one could see me I ran up the stairs thinking about telling Virginia about Dan and the asshole that ran into me. I stopped in shock. “Asshole” that is what Virginia would call him. It felt good.
 “Asshole!” My voice bounced against the dead walls. It did feel good. Smiling like retard I started to climb the stairs again with quick feet. The door was open. If this would have been another night, I would have stopped. React. Virginia always kept the door locked. And a safe chain she always fumbled with when she opened the door. But this night I darted inside.

 “Virginia! You should have seen the a s s h o l e that ran into me outside.” Pronouncing every syllable carefully as if each carried a sacred meaning. “He just slammed into me like BAM!” I was half speaking, half shouting while I took of my jacket and tossed it on top of the pile of jackets Virginia kept instead of a hanger. When I walked into the tiny room she used for bedroom and living room I did not see her first. Then a movement caught my attention. In the corner beside her bed, she sat rocking slowly back and forth. Her legs were drawn up to her chin and her body was wrapped in nothing but her black hair.
“Virginia!” I wrapped my tiny arms around her shaking body and I pulled her towards me. She did not pull back when I held her tight against my bony chest. I fact she did not react at all. The behavior of a very sick cat. I did not know what to do. I just held her. My legs and back started to ache from the strain sitting in the uncomfortable position. Then at last Virginia started sobbing. She literally cried her heart out. Somehow I managed to get her into the bed and under the covers. She clanged to me like a scared child clings to its mother. Sometime during the night she fell asleep, exhausted and out of tears. I was still awake, afraid to move and wake her up. I don’t know if I even could move. Even in her sleep her knuckles were white from holding on to the dress I still was wearing. I must have fallen asleep. I woke up in an empty
bed.
 “Virginia?” No answer. The apartment was empty. Her jacket and most of her clothes were gone. Other than that it looked like it did the day before. Posters on the walls, dirty dishes in the sink. She had left me a letter on the nightstand.

 “I don’t want you to worry my little Mousey. I am good. Trust that and know it.

I love you Melissa / Virg”