it is a long time and no see and I'm no longer in madtown
I've postponed this entry for a long time. Too long.
First I didn't wanna write it cause the keyboard on my computer didn't work ( it still doesn't but I connected an external keyboard) but later on I think I postponed it because me writing about the last days in Madison, about New York and going home makes it all true. It becomes reality and not some lucid dream and I'm not just happy about that, I'm grieving too. Maybe that's why I think I'll continue this blog in English. To keep the language that I love alive, as writing in swedish (mostly) helped me keeping it fresh and decrease the times friends from home called me Silvstedt because I keep using english words when speaking swedish, but also maybe for my friends back in the us, for them to read if they like.
however my use and misuse of the language, grammar and sentence structures will continue no matter which language I write in. The way I abuse the language sometimes horrifies me, but blogging or writing a diary isn't about good literature, it is about pooring out words that somehow reflect my life and my thoughts.
procrastination.... my best talent. now: last days in madison: they were sad but still awesome. I like not making a big fuss about things... and thus I went to the bars with friends, spent a day at the terrasse, and trying not to think about my departure. I did still miss my family and my love, but I knew it wasn't long untill I met them and thus I grieved because I did not know when I would meet the people I love in Madison. Some of them I doubt that I will ever meet again. Some I know that I will meet. maybe not when or how, but I will see them again. My gut feeling tells me they'll be my friends for life.
When I was flying out of chicago I could thank my friend tash for giving me the exelent advice to cry if my bags were too heavy. And so I did "I'm so sorry mrs for causing this trouble, I really am, it's just that I've been living here for a year and now I'm moving home... it was so hard to leave so much of my life behind.." the result? : "don't worry about it, it's a gift, just remember to fly with american airlines next time" she said kindly. And since I am a student I might not be able to fly with them everytime, but I'll definately try.
NYC is a city where I would love to live. I stayed at a hostel at 126th and some boulevard I don't remeber the name of.. close to central park. I walked a lot, how I had longed for walking around a city! I went to museums, the empire state, statue of liberty and ellis island. At ellis island I found bits and pieces of my own country's history. I also had a good friend to take me out to the bars. I met him in madison when he was visiting one of my room mates and now he took care of me..
I also randomly started to talk to some street performers. They were really cool guys but when one of them was too forward I felt it was best to leave. I saw some pretty good dancing though.
I rushed through it I know. But I didn't really wanna write about it. It is done now. I'm home and it is for real. I'm not complaining. I'm happy to be where I am. I really am. But this is the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one. One that is cunningly familiar, yet completely unknown. Because for the first time in a long time I see no storms waiting by the horizon. It is scary - what will I now fret over? but it is also relieving. I'm free from things to blame on if my life isn't going the direction I want it too, I'm free from drama and I've reached a point where it is ok to be free from the drama.
It is gonna take some time to land on my feet, to find out who I am in this moment. However I do know that personality tratis tend to be consistent over time and yet that we on a day to day shift so much we seldom can say we truly know ourselves. isn't that the beauty of life?
First I didn't wanna write it cause the keyboard on my computer didn't work ( it still doesn't but I connected an external keyboard) but later on I think I postponed it because me writing about the last days in Madison, about New York and going home makes it all true. It becomes reality and not some lucid dream and I'm not just happy about that, I'm grieving too. Maybe that's why I think I'll continue this blog in English. To keep the language that I love alive, as writing in swedish (mostly) helped me keeping it fresh and decrease the times friends from home called me Silvstedt because I keep using english words when speaking swedish, but also maybe for my friends back in the us, for them to read if they like.
however my use and misuse of the language, grammar and sentence structures will continue no matter which language I write in. The way I abuse the language sometimes horrifies me, but blogging or writing a diary isn't about good literature, it is about pooring out words that somehow reflect my life and my thoughts.
procrastination.... my best talent. now: last days in madison: they were sad but still awesome. I like not making a big fuss about things... and thus I went to the bars with friends, spent a day at the terrasse, and trying not to think about my departure. I did still miss my family and my love, but I knew it wasn't long untill I met them and thus I grieved because I did not know when I would meet the people I love in Madison. Some of them I doubt that I will ever meet again. Some I know that I will meet. maybe not when or how, but I will see them again. My gut feeling tells me they'll be my friends for life.
When I was flying out of chicago I could thank my friend tash for giving me the exelent advice to cry if my bags were too heavy. And so I did "I'm so sorry mrs for causing this trouble, I really am, it's just that I've been living here for a year and now I'm moving home... it was so hard to leave so much of my life behind.." the result? : "don't worry about it, it's a gift, just remember to fly with american airlines next time" she said kindly. And since I am a student I might not be able to fly with them everytime, but I'll definately try.
NYC is a city where I would love to live. I stayed at a hostel at 126th and some boulevard I don't remeber the name of.. close to central park. I walked a lot, how I had longed for walking around a city! I went to museums, the empire state, statue of liberty and ellis island. At ellis island I found bits and pieces of my own country's history. I also had a good friend to take me out to the bars. I met him in madison when he was visiting one of my room mates and now he took care of me..
I also randomly started to talk to some street performers. They were really cool guys but when one of them was too forward I felt it was best to leave. I saw some pretty good dancing though.
I rushed through it I know. But I didn't really wanna write about it. It is done now. I'm home and it is for real. I'm not complaining. I'm happy to be where I am. I really am. But this is the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one. One that is cunningly familiar, yet completely unknown. Because for the first time in a long time I see no storms waiting by the horizon. It is scary - what will I now fret over? but it is also relieving. I'm free from things to blame on if my life isn't going the direction I want it too, I'm free from drama and I've reached a point where it is ok to be free from the drama.
It is gonna take some time to land on my feet, to find out who I am in this moment. However I do know that personality tratis tend to be consistent over time and yet that we on a day to day shift so much we seldom can say we truly know ourselves. isn't that the beauty of life?
